a river to skate away on

Did you think I had given up the blog? I have been feeling a void where my blogging obsession normally goes but I couldn't think of anything to say. Blogblocked.

Still, with the amount of work email I have to sift through every day I thought that I might potentially get burned out on blogging/emailing for fun and it hasn't happened in the slightest, it is just finding the time to come up with something you might actually want to spend time reading.

I have been loving this Christmas song, (hopefully I'll have a link for you shortly to download it for free) It is Sarah Bareilles's cover of Joni Mitchel's 'River' It is so beautiful and gets stuck in my head whenever I hear it.

We, the choir, sang today in church. It worked out well that the visiting speaker had prepared a talk about one of the songs we sang. It made me appreciate the words by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow. You can read the background here. Cool story.

I heard the bells on Christmas day
Their old familiar carols play,
And mild and sweet the words repeat
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And thought how, as the day had come,
The belfries of all Christendom
Had rolled along the unbroken song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.
And in despair I bowed my head
“There is no peace on earth,” I said,
“For hate is strong and mocks the song
Of peace on earth, good will to men.”
Then pealed the bells more loud and deep:
“God is not dead, nor doth He sleep;
The wrong shall fail, the right prevail
With peace on earth, good will to men.”
Till ringing, singing on its way
The world revolved from night to day,
A voice, a chime, a chant sublime
Of peace on earth, good will to men.

I don't know what brought this line of thought around, not at all related to the music theme of this entry, but I've been thinking about some of my past decisions. Or rather, lack of them. I guess it comes up more and more as I've made a conscious effort to do everything within my power to be better every day somehow.
This attitude makes me question myself. Where was this girl back when I was doing my best to make life as difficult as I could? And succeeding quite nicely, if I do say so myself.
I've finally put some perspective on it. (maybe this belongs in a journal more than my blog?) If I hadn't seen so much ugliness in myself then maybe I wouldn't have the desire to be the best version of myself now? People who seem to have known who they were from such a young age baffle me. I haven't understood my motivations in the past, where was the decisive me, the girl who knows what she wants and makes it happen? Understanding this a little later in life has been something of a mystery. An unveiling. Was I there all along, shrouded in self doubt and some kind of weird desire to make myself miserable? Why didn't I speak up, slap myself around a little and do things differently? "Everything has a reason" so I guess I'll understand at some point. My usual reasons sound like cop outs now so I have decided to leave it unanswered and maybe never understand.
I am really glad that change is such a prevalent thing in my life.