today, tomorrow, then goodbye

Finally! The much anticipated trip is just about here. I don't think I've ever had a vacation feel so monumental before. The way life worked out this summer this trip has taken on the feeling of a pivotal moment in my calendar. So strange, it wasn't supposed to be like this at all, but I'm glad it has acted as a speed bump in the way I was doing things. If life went as I planned it wouldn't be as good I'm sure. That is why I'm never too disappointed when plans change. If life would have gone according to me, Africa would have still been scheduled between holiday orders and the beginning of our huge rush and it wouldn't have become this thing that has kept me from keeping up the accelerated pace I'm accustomed to.

I won't lie, the last three months have been a serious struggle for me. I wouldn't ever allow myself to see it that way until now, at the precipice of change, but not having my usual tasks in my life to feel important was a strange and uncomfortable feeling for me. Feeling like I wasn't contributing to anything felt selfish and indulgent and I don't plan anytime soon to take an extended break again. I need schedules, constant projects, things to throw myself into for fear of going insane with too much quality time with yours truly.

Feeling stagnant is a scary thing to stare in the face. I understand completely why there is no such thing as neutral ground in this life. It has been a challenge for me to fill my endless days with things that I could be proud of and feel like I'd done something important with my time. There is nothing worse than realizing I've wasted time so at least I can say I haven't wasted my down time. I used up every minute and I'm sure I'll wish I could do it again sometime. Just not anytime soon that is for sure!

Totally unrelated: I finished Eclipse today. I tried to read slow but I couldn't drag it out any longer. Afterwards, in a fit of obsession, I got online to see if there were more books to look forward too. Ever checked out the official website? Do it here, there are movie options and everything to get excited about, not to mention two more books in the works. I'm usually not a book made into movie fan but wouldn't it be cool if they got it right? She even has photos up of the actors she would cast if she had her choice. So fun.