Small Town

Pretend with for a minute that you are in my position, newly single and a little hesitant about going out and being in the land of the dating again. I thought I'd be fine with it, I feel fine 97% of the time, maybe a little shaky truthfully, but I think I'm dealing with it as well as anyone could. I have a weird unexplained fear of running into people I know in public who know me as Mrs. and having to explain to them why I'm out with someone other than Mr. Can you make sense of this?

So this is where the story of coincidences begin... I don't know what makes me want to tell this story. I guess it's just such a 'jois de vevre' type experience. (A joy for life? my own interpretation) and the funny way things become real clear to me in the most random events. Wish I could explain this better. It's 3 in the morning, give me a break! (yeah I took excedrin late in the day again, when will I learn?) Maybe I feel like sharing because I had the disappointment of a stinkin' Grey's rerun this week and I feel the need to fill that empty drama hole in my life?

I have a friend who I met a few years ago at the golf course. He was a caddy for a golfer on the PGA tour at the time so I saw him when they were in town. I had a serious boyfriend at the time and while I would love to spin this part of the story differently and make myself look like a better person than I was then, I ended up going out with this caddy friend of mine and kissing him and deceiving my boyfriend. Well, the boyfriend found out (because I told him) and decided he could forgive me and we moved on in our relationship, a pointless one at that since I knew I wanted more from life than until death do us part but who was I to remind myself of that simple fact when I thought I knew what I wanted? Oh, hindsight...

This caddy friend of mine (Garrett) and I have stayed in contact over the years through email mostly. We turned out to be able to be friends better than anything else so when he asked if I wanted to hang out tonight I was only just a little freaked out. Not because of him, I just knew it would hurt some to be out with someone other than my husband but I knew I needed to make that first step and who better to spend time with than a guy I could trust to be a friend right? Right.

He recently bought a condo so imagine my delight when he said he'd like input on it, we all know I LOVE DECORATING! It was a good way to get together, we picked out a bunch of cool stuff for his place and I had fun putting it all together for him. (I have a ton more ideas too, wonder when he'll tell me he's had enough decorating??) Ben and Kwona called while I was there and he was cool about me hiding out for a minute to talk to them. They asked how life was as of late. What can I say? Good, fine, boring, lonely, exciting, different, scary? What adjective best fits my ever changing feel for life? I told them my weirdness about not wanting to run into anyone and my desire to move away from it all. I couldn't explain it to them any better than I just tried to for you, so I figured I was being lame and Garrett and I went out to meet up with a bunch of his friends at a popular sushi bar in town.

This is the good part, the part that had Garrett and I totally cracking up after the fact. While we were waiting for our table Garrett says ever so casually, "Dallas is in there." Yup, Dallas, as in the boyfriend from the past. Not only was Dallas in there, but every_single_friend I had from that time were all inside the door looking out at me. A birthday party was to blame. It was the most strange experience I've had in at least awhile, though it rivals with a lot of things these days. I always knew I'd run into Dallas at some point. St. George is tiny like that. But of all days to see him since I saw him last more than 2 years ago, I'm with Garrett, who I also hadn't seen in as many years! Talk about timing! I felt like I was outside my body watching this all happen and laughing at someone other than myself! Although I keep in contact with some of those friends they were all still in the dark about my divorce. I don't advertise it. I could almost smell the engines burning in the rumor mill that is the underground heartbeat of St. George. It may be the biggest small town in existence. I am sometimes baffled at how we all connect somehow, its like that seven links to Kevin Bacon thing. I can meet someone totally new and in about a minute we've discovered we're practically related and best friends with all the same people and have the same stylist and vet, then we run into each other everywhere. I'm not kidding. It's a love/hate thing.

So not only did I face down a silly fear in a pretty big way, how many more people could I tell in one night that I was divorced? I also put to rest a feeling like I'd never not feel like I was missing out on my old life. Honestly, I haven't felt that way in a long time, but I don't know if I can explain to you what seeing this group of people from the outside would have done to me back when being in the mix was so very important to me. Something I never thought would happen, happened when I wasn't paying attention.. My goal of becoming a better centered person seems to be on track. All I felt was love for my old friends and didn't feel left out at all from the exciting but misdirected life I used to lead. I am happy to report progress. Did it take any of you as long at it's taken me to know who you are and stand up for it?

ps. are you wondering what the picture has to do with any of this? Nothing really, I just thought it was awesome and it fits for me in a unexplainable way. Courtesy of the talented artist MDK. I asked permission to use it, then went ahead and took it without consent, he wasn't up this early to tell me no. Thanks! :)

Ok, I promise I won't blog anymore in the middle of the nite. I'm tempted to delete this one and call it a night, but that's a good half hour of soul pouring and I don't want to have nothing to show for my insomnia in the morning!